Showtime

 I can't believe it! Me, Marilyn! I am actually one of the nominees for an Oscar! It is actually the one good thing that came out of filming "The Misfits". A terrible time to go through; for me, anyway. No one else seemed that bothered by the things that happened. At the wrap party, I had visible bruises that even Whitey's magic couldn't hide, and no one seemed to mind them showing up in photographs. "The MM Girl was a party joke.

Arthur and Inge's relationship was all over the set; I was expected to pretend like I was oblivious to it. That was too much make-believe for me, particularly when Arthur was still expecting marital relations with me, too. 

Not only that, the miscarriage happened. A child that, even though he was sleeping with me, Arthur never really believed was his. Even though there was no question that it only ever was. at that point, the reality was, he truly just didn't want to believe that it was true.

It always devastated me that he didn't love me, or want children with me. I so very much wanted those things with him. The painful reality that I live with is that I could not make him love me, want to be with me, or have a family with me. That knowledge almost cost me everything. 

But in the end, it didn't, and so here I am, in front of my bedroom mirror, practicing for the things I will do and say when I accept an Academy Award for "The Misfits", for I already know I am going to win. It is just one of those things that I know. 

My first thought was that Arthur would be livid. He never wanted me to have a role at all in the film; certainly not the female lead.

The sour look on his face all during filming made it perfectly clear to everyone just how distasteful doing the screenplay was; he hated Hollywood. But he sure loved the money enough to put his distaste aside. So did Milton, and the others. Monty Clift was a little different. It seemed that he pretty much felt the same way as I did in some respects about it. Whoever truly profited from "The Misfits", it wasn't either one of us. 

There were so many egos-- male and female-- on that set. All i truly was trying to do was survive the war.

Anyway, that truly is past, and for some unfathomable reason, the powers that be at the Academy picked me as a nominee. I practice now because, after everything that I have been through up until now, I don't want to disappoint my audience. I just want to be wonderful, and allow any MM magic that I can muster to shine bright. 

I asked Joe to escort me, and even though he hates this kind of public spectacle, he actually agreed to escort me. On some level, I think he's a little proud of me. Besides, he doesn't exactly treat me the same as the Hollywood circuit, at least not now. We have come a long way since our married days. Why, sometimes, I can actually just be very human Marilyn, for a few brief moments. We've already made plans to have a late night supper in private after the awards. While I do plan on giving a spectacular show at the awards, and making an appearance at an after awards party for photos, it will be very brief. Shows like this exhaust me now. Besides, once the "official" photos are done, no one will really notice that I'm gone. It is another realization that I have made, over time. 

I expect Arthur and Inge will attend. There is really no reason that I need to interact with them. I think all of us are honestly relieved about that. 

I have decided on my own gown to wear for the festivities. I suppose it is one of the perks of "The Misfits" not being a standard studio orchestrated film. I think it will be nude-colored, form-fitting, with lots of glittery sparkles. I showed Joe a sketch of what I requested designed, and I saw that certain look in his eyes that told me I was right on the money, so to speak, in terms of what I have planned. I've spoken with Whitey, and we have a "while we're warm" understanding. 

Nothing but my signature red lipstick and Chanel No. 5 will do for such a momentous occasion, and a pair of Tiffany diamond stud earrings. 

Sinatra and champagne are supposed to be flowing at this de rigueur event, and my personal monogrammed glass is supposed to be on continual refill. After all, it's a party, isn't it???!

I suppose I will thank Milton, and Arthur, Monty, Mr. Gable, and the production company. Oh, and John Huston. Joe wouldn't like it one bit if I thanked him, so I won't. We have an understanding about that.

I am pursing my lips in front of my mirror, in that signature MM pout that Hollywood finds so profitable. Financially, anyway....

It is just me  that finds it too expensive. In so many ways, I can't even count them now. 

I was firm on having Maf with me at the awards. Although I may rethink it; it may frighten him. No sense in putting him through the spectacle with me. 

I've not really had that many congratulatory calls or telegrams on my nomination. I have, however, had a few sympathy communications. It has been illuminating to see who truly cares, and understands.....and who doesn't. Honestly, if it's one thing that I've learned, it is very few people who actually do.

If you actually meet one and are fortunate enough to share part of your life with them, treasure them. They are golden. I wish I had more golden in my life. 

Well, I've decided on my hair, makeup, what I will wear, what I will do and say. I will have a champagne and say good night.

MM