Here's Hoping

 I've been searching my whole life for love, and at long last, I think I have finallly found it with Arthur! Hope for the best! Keep a good thought for us! I thought I had found it with Joe, but I could never be the Golden MM Goddess and the perfect Italian housewife all at the same time.....there just wasn't any time to be human me. 

I truly believe this time that I have found someone who loves ME!

It is true that the MM sex goddess packaging attracted him, but I secretly like to think that its the real, human me, Norma Jean, that keeps him here, with me. 

He doesn't seem to mind my wanting to read, and grow, and learn new things. Joe always seemed to feel threatened by that. 

I know that he doesn't love me the way, or as much, as I love him, but I do think he cares about me, and it is enough. It is more than I have ever had from anyone else. Here's hoping! Time will tell.

I really did the conversion to Judaism just to please him. It matters to him in a way it does not to me. I know he wants a son. While maybe I am not who he wants children with, maybe he will want them in some way, just the same. I know I will love and want any children we have, whether he does or not. But a part of me hopes he will want them too. Maybe, just maybe, I can ddo this right for him. And he will want me. 

His family hates the idea of us being married. So does Hollywood. Everyone is against us. Milton too. I hope I have enough love and strength for both of us. 

It has been horrible, having to pretend like the car "accident"/ hit didn't happen, an event which cost me our child. It devastated me that Arthur did not mourn with me. Maybe I am wrong to stay with him. He seems to care so little for me. It was his son, too.....

only I am not even sure that he even believed that it was his. Yet another devastation.

But here we are, having a ceremony, and celebration, with the somewhat frosty and stoic attendees. I am happy enough to make up for most of them. Although it makes me sick, thinking of the photo shoot that we have to endure with Milton to make things look pristine white and virginal for Hollywood. Arthur and I are already planning to drink champagne and wine all night before we have to do it, so that we have a buzz while Milton does the pictures for the spectacle. At least I have the advantage of wearing that silly veil. Arthur doesn't.....everyone will see that he had a hangover, and isn't looking his best. We both are.

I hate Connecticut..... obviously, I do not have a plave there, with Arthur's mother and his children. I just had to endure the pictures being made. 

Arthur doesn't really seem all that eager to be there himself. He usually likes for us to stay in the city, or rent cottages in upstate New York, which is fine with me. I hate Connecticutt. 

I am kind of ashamed to admit it, but I had to get a little buzzed on Dom Perignon champagne to be able to go through with this ceremony , and the subsequent picture taking and well-wishers. No one really wishes us well, as a couple, and it is a strain for me to pretend that they do. It is all a big joke.

I try to pretend that Arthur is with me because  he loves me and wants to be with me, but if I am perfectly honest, I know that it is not the case. I privately think that he will tire of me soon enough. I really think that he already has. A wound to my heart, for I do love him, even as I know that he does not love me. But for a time, I will have him with me. Hopefully I will let him go with grace. It is never pleasant to be unwanted and discarded. One of the ironies.....the golden sex goddess, truly wanted and loved by no one. Worshippers only wanted to possess her, as chattel. A new toy to play with, an amusement, until she was broken or did not look perfect enough, or say or do the right things for her owner.

Noone wants Norma Jean.....noone wants Marily to be human. They want an illusion, something created that I cannot sustain for them.

I have such a heavy heart when I stop and think of it, but I try not to dwell on it. Hopefully, for a brief span of time-- maybe just an instant-- we can suspend time and place, and just be Arthur and Marilyn, and I can believe that he loves me as I adore him. 

I only ever wanted to please him. While I know that I am enough, I also know that to him, I just never will be. How long will I be able to be with him, with this terrible knowledge? Time will tell.

I try to think good thoughts for us, and hope others will as well, but a sense of grey foreboding tells me that our time is short, and we must enjoy it as we can. Time is short and the hour is late. Time and circumstance. 

Milton has a scowl on his face, even as he photographs us. Sometimes, just thinking about what we are faced with upon our marriage overwhelms and exhausts me. Arthur does not seem affected by it. He is among the fortunate. Perhaps.....

I am never sorry that I feel things. In the end, it may be my undoing. But while I am here, it is also my joy. 

Hold a good thought for me, is what I tell those who I think may care. Here's hoping!